Orlando Family & Adolescent Counseling

There are more and more blended families in America now than any other time in the history. The major task is clearly carved out for the blended family,  that is the parenting part- How to be an effective step parent? Or, how to parent your children with your spouse who are added to your family? This blog hopes to start looking at things you can do to make your blended family a healthy, loving and trusting bunch that can get along peacefully. Please feel free to share your ideas and experiences.

I would encourage you to share your goals for your blended family. What are the goals that you have for your blended family? You do not have to use your real name, but you may want to describe the make up of your family. I wait to hear from you about your dreams and expectations for your blended family.

At Orlando Family Counseling center, we assist people in pain, in conflicts, and at the crossroads. I saw the anxious face of a mother facing an angry teenage child. I saw a frustrating adolescent huffing and puffing about how his parent did not treat him with respect. I saw a blended family filled with resentment from all members toward each other. I saw a hard working husband feeling betrayed. I saw a tearful wife feeling hurt and anguish . I saw some young adults struggling with their childhood abuse. I saw men and women living in regret and guilt. I saw people grieving over the sudden loss of a child, a sibling, a spouse, or a parent, or a friend. Life sometimes doesn’t seem to be under your control. Many men and women, fathers and mothers, young men and young ladies, teen agers and children have received the timely help they need from Orlando Family Counseling, Inc.

If you you wonder about ‘why me?’ ; Or if you feel alone and all you want is to stop the pain and move on. You wonder, “Is there a way out? What should I do?” At Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. we provide tools for you to move on when you find your self or your loved ones struggling and are losing control.

One of the most important thing, I believe that you need to do is to know who you really are and what matters the most in your life. There is a different way of looking at your life. If what you have tried in the past has not worked for you, then it is time to stop and ask for some help. Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. has two convenient locations (Maitland and Orlando) with caring metal health counseling professionals to assist you.

We will help you to sort things out and to move on with a clearer focus and direction. Please contact us by calling (407) 929-9987

While picking up a dress at David’s Bridal ( I will be a mother -of-bride in ten days), I  overheard one of the bride -to- bes saying “Yes, this is the right one! He’d better be the right one! My mom wants this to be the right one!” She said, “This is the first time I am getting married. And I want this one to work.” I found myself picturing a well-planned wedding event when everything is beautiful and wonderful and  fast forwarding to after the wedding , sooner or later, the tests come in. My best wish to all newly wed is that they are prepared to try hard to have a blessed marriage that lasts a life long.

Too many couples have been disappointed about how their marriage started deteriorating over the years after the wedding vows. Yes, after the honeymoon when the bills came in, after the carefree life without children, reality sets in and you find that it is not a -happy-thereafter life at all. Where did the fun go? Where was the sparkle? Is this the person that I was so much in love with? What has changed? What went wrong?

Did someone ever tell you that Marriage is hard work? “Two persons getting married” means two very different individuals with different backgrounds, different upbringing, different life styles, different ways of looking at things and different approaches to do things have committed their lives together to be husband and wife, to love each other and to cherish each other. This means the husband and wife have committed to love each other forever. The rest of the married life is a learning process about loving your spouse through life’s ups and downs. What kind of love is that, if you can not withstand life’s trials together? A beautiful marriage does not happen instantly. In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife continue to discover strengths of each other, admit the weakness that each has. They accept and appreciate the differences of each other and grow together. And it is worth it!

So allow me to share the ten important tips for a lasting marriage:

1. Have a vision for your marriage and your family. This means that you can picture what kind of home life you would like to have; what kind of atmosphere your would like to live in. Have a big picture for your marriage and your family. Nurture your marital relationship by investing 100% of your heart toward your spouse. Welcome changes even when it is the least expected. Take that as an opportunity to grow together.

2. Focus on what you can do to enhance or improve the relationship, not on demanding what your spouse needs to do differently:Exception for this is when you are in an abusive relationship where substance abuse or domestic violence is present. In this case, you do want to make your expectation clear for your spouse to get help. You do want to make sure you are safe.

3. Overlook imperfection of your spouse if it is not a matter of life or death, physical abuse or substance abuse, immoral or illegal.

4. Learn to communicate healthily and effectively. Avoid argumentative style. Your home is not a court where argument of your case is justified. No one need to win. You are to work things out as a team.

5. Compliment your spouse sincerely to build him/her up:Appreciate your spouse the way he/she is.

6. Show respect to your spouse in front of others - your children, in-laws, friends and include strangers; Show respect to your spouse even when no one is watching; Be on the same page with your spouse in disciplining your children.

7. Provide timely support to your spouse that he/she can relate, i.e. discover her/his love language and do what touches her/his heart. Carve out a time to be together intimately. Make time for each other as husband and wife. Cultivate your love daily, do not take your spouse for granted.

8. Forgive and move on: Forgive and don’t hold grudges. There is nothing worse for a child than when parents live in bitterness with either frequent fights or prolonged cold wars.

9. Pray together as husband and wife. “If you pray together you will stay together.” -This was one outstanding encouragement that my husband and I received in our wedding 32 years ago. It has allowed us to gain timely wisdom and strength from above in raising our three children.

10. Bless each other on a daily basis: Bless and don’t curse each other! The power of your words is tremendous, so use it wisely. I have seen couples turning their relationship around through learning to bless each other daily.

If you are both emotionally healthy and are committed to your marriage, you would have healthy boundaries set for your marital relationship. Inside this boundary, you should be able to continue your growth individually and collectively as a couple. That will look like this: you both feel safe to discuss concerns without getting into frequent fights; you can make decisions together or separately according to the nature of the matter without getting into arguments often; your children feel safe and secure with you both at home.

I hope that no one reads this article is going to interpret that love in your marriage means that you lost your self in your marriage, and therefore do not take good care of yourself. It means that your spouse can trust you, and vice versa. That means that you are in touch with each other’s feelings even when you are not physically next to each other. That does not mean that you smother your spouse and demand to be together physically all the time. That does not mean that you need to question every move of your spouse and make decision for your spouse.

Some of you grew up in an alcoholic family as a kid and learned to give in and to make peace all the time to the point that you now resent your spouse for doing nothing in the relationship. Some people grew up in a violent environment and learned to deal with frustrations with anger; some has learned to avoid any issues at all cost. Some has no sense of self worth to value your role in the marital relationship. If any one of these descriptions fit you, please consider individual and/or marriage counseling to help you learn a new way of living together with you spouse. Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. is dedicated to assist you with bettering your marital relationship. If you decide to get help, please contact Pat at (407) 929-9987 to schedule an appointment.

After a long day working in a high stressed environment, Mary picked up her 9 year-old son, Johnny from school. Johnny’s unhappiness was written all over his face. Mary asked, “Are you all right? Did you get into trouble?” With tears in his eyes Johnny said that he was trying to dig Sally out from the sand but the teacher gave him two warning slips. Johnny complained, “That was not fair! ” “She punished me for doing a good thing!”. Mary reached over to take out Johnny’s planner and saw a frown face displayed on Johnny’s planner. The teacher’s note stated ,”Johnny did not have a good day. He did not follow directions to line up. When he was reminded to join the line, he continued to ignore me. Johnny refused to walk in line, and he refused to enter the classroom. Johnny had a bad day at school the rest of the day.” Mary felt frustrated and stressed out from being called by Johnny’s school often. She wanted Johnny to receive therapy to help him improve his behavior. (For privacy’s sake, the names quoted in this article are not their real names.)

During the therapy session, Johnny drew a picture about what had happened at the playground the previous day before it was time to go into the classroom in the morning.

According to Johnny, he saw four children burying Sally under the sand. Johnny heard his teacher, Mrs. Smith, calling, “Line up!” He went to stand behind his teacher immediately but as soon as he saw Sally was still under the sand and the four classmates continued to pile sand on her, he ran over to dig her out. Mr. Smith called again for everyone to line up. The four boys ran to line up, but Johnny stayed there to help Sally. Mrs. Smith came over to give Johnny and sally a warning paper slip. Johnny continued to dig Sally out. Mrs. Smith called again for Johnny and Sally to join the line. She gave them another warning slip. Johnny got Sally out of the sand and joined the class. Johnny said he did not stay in line because he was very mad at Mrs. Smith for giving him the slips and the four boys did nto get any slip at all. He was so mad that he refused to enter the classroom. He was so mad that he didn’t do much the whole day at school. Mary was surprised that Johnny was able to tell so much more about what happened. She only heard a little bit about the incident when she asked Johnny.

Johnny has had behavior problems at school. He could easily become irritated. Screaming, crying, physical aggression, insubordination, disruptive behaviors were the concerns that Mary heard from school quite frequently. Being a single mother working full time, Mary could not afford missing more days at work to pick Johnny up from school. That was why she called for an appointment to see whether the therapist at the Orlando Family Counseling office could help Johnny.

What adults considered to be obvious may not be clear to the children. In Johnny’s example, he thought it was more important to rescue Sally then to go line up. To his teacher, Mrs. Smith, Johnny needs to follow direction and let the teacher handle Sally’s problem. Mrs. Smith was too busy to find out why Johnny was that upset for the whole day. At school, classroom teachers are under lots of stress when teaching and managing at least 15 children at the same time. The result was Johnny’s unhappiness and his not learning for the whole day, consequently a more stressed day for Mrs. Smith.

During this session when Johnny drew the picture of what happened and explained to the therapist of the situation he was in, it became clear that Johnny was very caring to Sally’s predicament and decided to take action to help her. Since he thought he was doing something urgent and helpful, he did not think he should have been punished at all. The therapist complimented on Johnny’s caring for his friend and discussed with him why Mrs. Smith gave him the two warning slips. Johnny learned that in school situations, his teacher is in charge all of the time and Johnny needs to listen and do what his teacher wants him to do. If he has a concern he could raise his hand to let his teacher know about Sally’s predicament. Johnny was able to see how his thoughts led him to his actions, and how his actions brought the consequence.

It is not an easy situation for a child like Johnny to adjust to the school situation easily. It hasn’t been easy for him to verbally communicate his feelings especially when he was frustrated. When his/her frustration is not resolved, the child may become angry or agitated based on his past experience, which then leads to tantrums, defiance, or aggression that result in being reprimanded or punished. Children like Johnny needs to learn to recognize their feelings, and also to learn to communicate calmly using words.

Mary and Johnny have felt much better since they came to Orlando Family Counseling for therapy. Mary has followed the recommendation of the therapist and has seen a great difference in Johnny’s behavior both at home and at school. Johnny’s anger outburst has greatly reduced. There has been a much improved communication between Mary and Mrs. Smith.

So, try the following tips to improve your child’s school adjustment:

• Find time to listen to your child
• Keep good communication with your child’s teacher
• Role Model Calm attitude when you encounter conflicts
• Teach your child skills of problem solving at school and at home
• Call (407) 929-9987 to Schedule an appointment for consultation or assessment, if you are concerned about your child’s happiness at school.

I heard this beautiful and comforting poem during  a memorial service for my dear sister who was a  brave cancer fighter. This poem was a true portrait of my dear sister. I was so moved by it that I asked Rev. Shieh to e-mail to me. Here it is for you or your loved ones who are fighting cancer.

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple Love,

It cannot shatter Hope,

It cannot corrode Faith,

It cannot destroy Peace,

It cannot kill Friendship,

It cannot suppress Memories,

It cannot silence Courage,

It cannot invade the Soul,

It cannot steal eternal Life,

It cannot conquer the Spirit.

Author Unknown

The most important help children and adolescents of divorced parents need is to live in a peaceful home atmosphere, in addition to knowing that they did not cause the divorce of their parents, they are not responsible for getting them back together, and both parents will continue to love them. It is extremely critical for adolescents to receive professional help to deal with their parents’ divorce in order to prevent substance abuse, behavior disorders, anxiety disorder, and depression.

Many adolescents were brought to my office for therapy because of their extreme anger outbursts, violence, defiance, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, self-injuries, or suicidal ideation. And most of the time I found out that these children lived in a hostile home atmosphere. Their parents were going through a divorce or that there was a bitter divorce process, or that the post divorce situation was still very volatile.

According to the Dr. Christelle Roustit, of the Research Group on the Social Determinants of Health and Healthcare, and Universite Pierre et Marie Curie, Paris, “What is the most deleterious for the children is the atmosphere in which the separation occurs and the deterioration of the family relational processes and not the separation in itself.”

Their research of 2,346 adolescents(13 and 16 years old) and 1,983 parents who participated in the Social and Health Survey of Children and Adolescents in Quebec, Montreal indicated the following findings:

1. Overall, substance abuse, including alcohol, was approximately two-times higher in these adolescents compared with adolescents who were not going through a family breakup. Although seen in both groups, the rate of substance abuse was considerably higher among the 16-year old.

2. Oppositional attitudes and behaviors, such as fighting, damaging property and theft were increased in both age groups. 3. Levels of depression and anxiety also were higher than normal in both age groups. In particular, the risk of suicide attempts was three- to four-times higher among 13 year olds, compared with 16 year olds, Roustit said. These behaviors, however, were modified by parental support.

4. Higher rates of psychological distress reported by parents were linked with adolescent psychological distress as well as the adolescents’ acts of defiance, fighting, vandalism, animal cruelty, theft or other violations of the law, but not with adolescent alcohol use or substance abuse.

5. Adolescent psychological distress in both age groups was also strongly associated with witnessing violence between parents.

My advice for parents who are going through divorce process, or who are struggling with marital conflicts is to stop blaming each other and to seek professional help for your self and for your children. A professional counselor or Family Therapist can help you to look at your situation more objectively and to learn new ways to provide support to your adolescent children. Hence you will be empowered to create a safe and nurturing environment for your whole family while going through the process of resolving your marital conflicts.

“Have fun, never give up, and always look for good in others.” these are the most important three things to do in life according to Randy Pausch, a dying Professor of Carnegie Mellon University . Professor Pausch was diagnosed to have pancreatic cancer and has only up to five months to live. He co-founded the Entertainment Technology Center at CMU. The anchor commented that Professor Pausch’s biggest legacy is his three children.

I learned about his Final, Farewell lecture from a CMU alumni and her husband tonight. With their assistance I found the news article on line, and watched clips of his farewell lecture, which was aired last Friday on the ABC Good Morning America Show. I hope that we all get to watch him on the Gibson’s World News. Professor Pausch will be featured as the person of the week on “World News with Charles Gibson.” this week.

How would you feel if your were the one having been diagnosed with a terminal cancer with very limited time to live? Randy Pausch said that his farewell lecture was for his children. He took his 5 years old son to Walt Disney World to make memory. Randy focused on what he could do and not on pitying himself.

I think Randy Pausch’s story helps us to pause and re-evaluate how we have lived our life. One of these days we all need to face death as Randy said, ” I am afraid of dying, but I am not afraid of death.” He said, “Life is to be lived.” He also said, “I have never met anyone who was pitying themselves or pitying others who was making the best and highest use of their time.” What would you have said if you were told that you only have one to five months to live? Randy said, “I have the blessing of getting a little bit of advance notice and I am able to optimize my use of time down the home stretch.” Wow!

What are you doing with your life? What are you doing with your family? Are you living in guilt? Are you living in bitterness? Are you pitying yourselves or others? Life is too short for you to live like that? If you are unhappy and blaming others for your unhappiness, you are wasting your life. I would like to encourage you to take Randy Pausch’s advice, “Have Fun, Never Give up, and Always look for Good in Others.” If you are a parent, there is a great opportunity for you to create great memories with your children, learn with them, and grow with them. Life has a lot to offer when you welcome challenges and take one day at a time to learn and to grow. Don’t ever stop learning and growing. Don’t ever stop appreciating each other!

Six Tips for Parenting Difficult Teens

Parenting Teens is somewhat different from parenting your younger children. It is because your teenager is trying to be independent and does not respond to be treated like a young child.

Tired of struggling with your teenage child? You are not alone! Many parents of teens are suffering from not knowing what to do or say so that their teenager will be respectful and responsible. Your teen’s behavior can be so outrageous and defiant that you have lost your temper and displayed shouting matches or even worse scenarios on a daily basis. You may have therefore decided to avoid seeing or talking to your teen to keep peace.

Do not despair! Here are some tips for you as parents to make your life with your adolescent child better.

1. Connect with your Teen: Let your Teen know that you love her/him. Look for good things in your child and praise him/her. Learn about your teen’s interests and delights. Listen to your child’s point of view. Learn to appreciate your teen in spite of her/his difficult challenging behaviors.

2. Communicate your expectations and consequences clearly in advance: Do not invent rules and consequences as you go. Avoid coerciveness! Set boundaries with your teens while you are both calm and feel close to each other. Allow your teen to contribute inputs to the development of expectations and consequences. Send a firm message about no drug, alcohol and tobacco use is allowed. If your teenager is already involved in substance abuse, you need to get professional help for your child right away. Abstinence is the best way to cut the addiction to the substance use. As parents need to be a good role model to your teen.

3. Be Consistent in carrying out the agreed upon plan: Once there is a plan agreed upon, stay being consistent to carry out your plan. Initially your teen may protest by complaining, accusing, blaming to their best, ignore these junk behaviors and it will subside in due time. The consequence both positive and negative needs to be spelled out clearly. Dr. Glenn Latham’s book on The Power of Positive Parenting is a great source of tools in setting expectations and laying out consequences with your teenagers.

4. Stay calm while communicating with your teens. Do not discipline in anger or rage! Wait until you are calm. This is by far the most difficult task of parenting a teenage child. But it is the most powerful way to get positive results. “A man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” says it all. Cultivate a nurturing atmosphere before you sit down to communicate with your teens.
5. Give Choice whenever possible. There are guidelines and rules that you need to be consistent with. But there are many other areas that you may allow your Teen to make choices so that they feel that they are in control. As Parents you would want to help your teens to feel respected and valued so they can function in the real world confidently.

6. Recognize the efforts, and Do not focus on the mistakes. If it is not a life-or-death-matter choose to overlook his/her not- up- to-standard behaviors. No matter how bad some of the behaviors are, there is still something that your teen does right. Therefore focus on what is right and good that he/she does. The more you acknowledge the desirable behaviors the more your teen will increase the good behaviors.
Dr. William Glasser in his book of “Unhappy Teenagers-A way for parents and teachers to reach them” said it well: “When you stop controlling, you gain control.”
Why not give it a try? IF you need further assistance in raising your teenager, please contact Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. at (407) 929-9987. You may also e-mail Sylvia Roan at this address: Sylvia@orlandofamilycounseling.com

By Sylvia S. Roan, M.S., LCSW, BCBA

 Instead of correcting your child’s behavior whenever you see a problem, focus on training your child to care about self and others. In other words, focus on the solution to the problem- i.e. raising a responsible child.

1. Set limits and provide structure.
• Communicate your expectations to your child clearly.
• Children of all ages need rules.
• Establish Daily Routines

2. Enforce Rules and Consequences.
• Let your child know what the consequence of breaking rules will be ahead of time. Follow through on enforcing punishment.
• Recognize your child’s efforts in following rules and provide reinforcement to the desirable behaviors with your attention and verbal praise.
• Avoid paying attention only to the misbehaviors.
• Communicate  clear expectations for your child’s daily responsibilities
• Reinforce your child’s efforts –using a chart to set up a system for earning rewards

3. Be Consistent.
• Discuss and agree on basic parenting principles for guiding your children.
• Be consistent each day and in every situation.

4. Be a good Role Model
• Don’t argue in front of your child

5.  Encourage Individual Growth.
• Listen to your child with undivided attention
• Show confidence in your child.
• Measure your child’s progress by setting objectives with your child.

6. Don’t use harsh discipline
• Yelling or slapping is not an effective long-term approach to discipline.
• Do not discipline your child when you are angry.

7. Aim to Build your child’s Character
• Decide what kind of a person you would like your child to become.
• Aim to raise your child to become an honest, caring, cooperative, responsible, trust -worthy adult.

8. Align your child’s activities with a Purpose
• Be careful not to set an unrealistic goal for your child. Goals need to be age and developmentally appropriate for your child.
• Avoid over expectation.
• Be innovative and enthusiastic with your child.
• Do not over schedule your child’s life.

9. Cultivate a warm and safe environment
 
10. Limit your child’s screen time

Orlando Family Counseling, Inc.
1900 Howell Branch Road, Suite 4-1, Winter Park, FL 32792
1805 N. Alafaya Trail, Suite 158, Orlando, FL 32826
(407) 929-9987 Fax: (407)644-4743
sylvia@orlandofamilycounseling.com
www.orlandofamilycounseling.com

More and more people find themselves in a long-distance relationship. It is challenging for couples to have a strong  relationship across miles. Because it is harder to keep up with each other when you don’t see each other in person for a long period of time. The key for a healthy and strong long distance relationship is for both of you to lay a strong foundation of commitment and trust for your relationship. Upon such foundation,  you would be able to set boundaries, find ways to be creative and communicative.  Couples find themselves in a long-distance relationship because of frequent work- related travels, involuntary job relocation,  unexpected job change, or other family needs or personal circumstances.  If you are struggling with maintaining a strong long- distance relationship, here are some Do’s and Don’ts for your consideration:

1. Do Communicate with each other your trust and commitment for your relationship: Your commitment and your trust for each other is the foundation for keeping a strong relationship while you are not able to be together in person.  Your words and deeds should be said and done in a way that reflect your trust and commitment for him/her.  For instance, introduce your loved one to others so that they can acknowledge him/her. Avoid letting your loved one stand by you and watching you talking with others  without being introduced. Don’t use phrases of blaming or accusation during conversation.  Focus on how you feel and communicate it with love aiming to help your loved one to understand you better, at the right time. Renew your love  for each other while you are together in person and affirm with each other your commitment and dedication to your relationship. Actions speak louder than words!

2. Do consult her/him of the dates you plan to be gone if it is up to you, otherwise let her/him know of your dates traveling afar with a written schedule and where you will stay.  Let your loved one know that you have arrived safely and let her/him know that you miss him/her and couldn’t wait to go home to be reunited.

3. If you are the one staying put, be sure to show confidence in your loved one.  Simply communicate your love for him/her, and show genuine interest in how her/his day went. Be honest in sharing your thoughts about important situation or issues. Learn about each other’s likes and dislikes and accept the difference that you have  as a couple.  Don’t try to change your spouse or your fiance’.  Do put yourself in each other’s shoes when you have a phone conversation. Learn to listen and learn to focus on the positives when you are apart. 

4. Develop hobbies or plan for activities to grow yourself while your spouse or loved one is away- if you have children,  involve them in making something for the traveling parent. Help writing down words if your child is too young to write. Enjoy your life while your loved one is away for a long period of time. Share with her/him your accomplishment. It is helpful that he/she can picture how your day/week went. Keep each other updated with text message or e-mail when you can’t talk or when time difference makes it hard to talk to each other. In other words, use high tech to communicate to enhance your relationship. Give a surprise to him/her.  Make each other feel special and valued.

5. Don’t complain about anything over the phone or other means of communication. Keep your conversation sweet, calm and sincere. When you meet again face to face, use your listening ears more to show your interest in her/him. Be sensible, do not rush into discussing major problems as soon as the traveler returns home. Put your self in his/her shoes. If  you have a home to manage, bills to pay, be sure to arrive at a mutually agreed upon way of handling the finance prior to being apart.  If you can not arrive at agreement you may want to go for marital counseling or couple counselingto help you to agree on certain principles. The traveler needs to show appreciation to the one stays and avoid being critical when return home. A healthy  relationship does not just happen. It takes special care like a gardener tends to the flowering plants in the garden.  Do give each other space. Don’t question or interrogate about each other’s whereabouts. Don’t play a detective role. The more you interrogate, the farther you will grow apart from each other.

Above all, learn to love each other while you are apart can really make you a stronger person and when you help each other to grow you would also grow together as a couple.